International News
Irish Doctor Struck off in Nigeria for Incompetence
AN IRISH DOCTOR has been struck off in Nigeria for incompetence. An inquiry heard from a nurse who worked with Dr Eamonn Quirke of how she had to snatch a needle from his hands moments before he was about to insert it into…
Toddler Charged with Hate Crime
A CALIFORNIAN TODDLER was charged on Friday with a federal hate crime for alleged racism. Prosecutors said Stacy Krajaeck, 3, screamed “I hate Muslims” before throwing a milk carton across the breakfast bar at the family home in Las Campanas, Santa…
Plans for Irish Version of Gogglebox Scrapped
PROGRAMMING CHIEFS AT TV3 have scrapped plans for an Irish version of Gogglebox. The new programme, based on the highly successful Channel Four series, had been in production for the last 4 months at various locations around the country. It’s not…
US Presidential Knickers Heading for Louth County Museum
A SELECTION OF under garments, once in the possession of former US presidents, is to be exhibited in a collection at Louth County Museum. The collection of 72 pairs of assorted ladies knickers are thought to have been donated by the former presidents’…
Pillar Banks to be Compensated for Public Odium
BANK CHIEFS AT Ireland’s pillar banks are set for windfall payments to offset injuries caused by public odium. It’s understood that morale at senior levels at Ireland’s two main banks is only at 86% of where it was during the boom….
Ireland Wins Big in Migrant Shareout
IRELAND HAS WON the lion’s share of inbound migrants following a meeting of EU leaders in Luxembourg. Irish officials stood fast against EU insistence for equal burden sharing by demanding that Ireland be treated as a special case. Taoiseach Enda Kenny argued that Ireland…
London Fashion Week in Irish Model Slur
LONDON FASHION WEEK got off to a bitchy start today when two Irish Models were removed from the catwalk lineup for being “too thin”. Spokesperson for the Irish girls’ model agency EirFix, Coullah Mindy-Madden, claimed that the move had nothing to do with their…
Pope Says “It’s Mostly Pants”
IN AN ADDRESS to the faithful today in St Peter’s Square, Pope Francis stunned the crowd by stating that much of Catholic doctrine is nonsense. Shocked audiences heard the pontiff (78) question tenets of his own faith in front of a gathering of…
“Hackers Ate My Homework”
DUNDALK SCHOOL TEACHER, Maurice O’Hanlon, was stunned when schoolboy Jason McEnuff claimed hackers ate his homework. Jason, who is a pupil at the De La Salle secondary school in Dundalk, made the claim during English class on Friday last. “I was just…
Political Correctness Now Classified as a Disability
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HAS been officially classified as a mental disability. In her keynote address to the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ International Congress in Birmingham, England, Professor Gayle Robuck-Jones named the newly classified illness as a “Politically Correct Disorder”. Professor Robuck-Jones further defined it as “the…
Scientists Successfully Crossbreed Cannabis with the Common Nettle
THE WAR ON DRUGS may just have become unwinnable following the news that a team of geneticists at Monsanto Corporation labs in St. Louis, Missouri, has successfully cross bred a cannabis plant with the common nettle. It’s understood that the Monsanto team has succeeded in swapping the…
Gay Byrne Irish Postage Stamp Withdrawn
AN POST THE Irish postal service has withdrawn the new Gay Byrne stamp from publication. It’s understood that the 75 cent stamp, which was to be part of their new “Smug Series” could not accommodate a small enough image of the RTE broadcaster’s head….