Local News
Louth Fianna Fáil Cumman Selects Turnip as Compromise Candidate
FIANNA FÁIL HAS selected a turnip to stand in the Louth constituency as a compromise over gender quotas. Local party members claim they had no other option as no female candidate was available for selection and they couldn’t select a male to run. “It’s…
“Tight Bastards” New Bins Slated
LOUTH COUNTY COUNCIL is under fire following the unveiling of its new urban street bins. The new bins have been described as paltry and mean by both environmentalists and locals alike. “The old ones were bad enough, you could hardly fit…
Help Jobs Bridget to Talk Louth Propper
LOUTH NOISES NEWSREADER, Jobs Bridget, needs your help. Despite her BBC ambitions (and a massive €50 a week increase in her benefits), Jobs Bridget is struggling to pronounce Irish place names correctly. “We’re doing what we can by giving her more…
Louth Council to Introduce Car Lanes
LOUTH COUNTY COUNCIL are to introduce car lanes throughout the county’s major urban centres early next year. In a statement released today, planning chiefs said that they expect the work to begin in February, starting in Dundalk, then followed by Drogheda in…
New Church Go-Ahead for Cooley Despite Local Objections
A NEW CATHOLIC church has been given the go-ahead for Cooley by Louth planning chiefs. The shock move has stunned local Muslims, who have been campaigning to have approval for their first mosque in County Louth. Speaking to Louth Noises News, local Muslim, Thomas…
US Presidential Knickers Heading for Louth County Museum
A SELECTION OF under garments, once in the possession of former US presidents, is to be exhibited in a collection at Louth County Museum. The collection of 72 pairs of assorted ladies knickers are thought to have been donated by the former presidents’…
Louth Local Man Finds the One Jesus
LOCAL LOUTH MAN Jimmy Kennedy revealed the rare Jesus symbol on a lottery scratchcard on Thursday last. Speaking the following day, he told our reporter that it came as quite a shock. “I had just come back from the solemn novena there at…
Louth County Hospital Trolleys to be Turned Over to Homeless
THE HEALTH SERVICE Executive is set to make hospital trolleys in Louth County Hospital available immediately for the county’s homeless. In a dramatic move, senior HSE managers have said that its inventory of 32 trolleys are available immediately for distribution to homeless agencies….
Murderer Jailed for Life
A MAN FOUND guilty of murder has been jailed for life. Anthony Gray (33) of Stonetown, County Louth, was jailed today for a minimum of 20 years for the murder of Kitty O’Malley. Judge Owen McSweeney in passing sentence told Gray that he…
“Hackers Ate My Homework”
DUNDALK SCHOOL TEACHER, Maurice O’Hanlon, was stunned when schoolboy Jason McEnuff claimed hackers ate his homework. Jason, who is a pupil at the De La Salle secondary school in Dundalk, made the claim during English class on Friday last. “I was just…
Man with 999 Convictions Avoids Jail
A MAN WITH nine hundred and ninety nine convictions walked free from Ardee courthouse today. Judge Callum O’Laughlin refused to jail Arthur Kearns (23) of no fixed abode, who was facing charges for theft at a sitting of Ardee District Court in county Louth….
Louth Excluded from Performance Enhancing Drugs Probe
THE LOUTH SENIOR GAA Football team has been excluded from a national performance enhancing drugs-probe. The ongoing investigation into the use of performance enhancing drugs in the GAA is set to name several high profile players in several “well-known” counties. But NOT…