AN IRISH DOCTOR has been struck off in Nigeria for incompetence. An inquiry heard from a nurse who worked with Dr Eamonn Quirke of how she had to snatch a needle from his hands moments before he was about to insert it into…

TDS HAVE VOTED to extend the Crisp Lettuce Allowance (CLA) by an extra three months.  During the vote, several government and opposition TDs cited the unseasonably warm and wet weather as justification.  “Come October one would expect the chill of winter to…

FIANNA FÁIL HAS selected a turnip to stand in the Louth constituency as a compromise over gender quotas. Local party members claim they had no other option as no female candidate was available for selection and they couldn’t select a male to run.  “It’s…

DUBLIN CITY COUNCIL has set new minimum standards for the size of apartments. Speaking to Louth Noises News, Dublin City Council Chief Executive Owen Keegan said the new standards will go along way towards solving the capital’s accommodation crisis.  “By reducing the minimum…

FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT Irish taxis must be fitted with right and left hand indicators. The device, which is already mandatory in other public and private motor vehicles, has been under going trials at several urban centres.  “It’s not fair on our…

THE HEALTH SERVICE Executive has announced details of the long awaited reallocation of management posts. The redistribution announced today will see all existing managers move to new positions within the HSE within the next 6 months. It is understood that…

MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE, Food and the Marine Simon Coveney has called on Irish farmers to plant rice instead of other crops to take advantage of the latest floods sweeping Ireland.  “This is a great opportunity for the nation’s farmers. We now…

FORMER LABOUR LEADER Pat Rabbitte has  warned Sinn Féin to back off from misery politics. In a statement today to Louth Noises News, the labour TD said that the people’s misery was already taken. “It’s typical of Sinn Féin to try to…

PROGRAMMING CHIEFS AT TV3 have scrapped plans for an Irish version of Gogglebox. The new programme, based on the highly successful Channel Four series, had been in production for the last 4 months at various locations around the country. It’s not…

IRISH RAIL ARE hoping that its train fleet can match the average speed of trains from 1916 in time for the anniversary of the Rising.  “We’re working hard to meet that target. It would be great 100 years on to be…

THE IRISH GOVERNMENT admitted today that it does not have a policy in place to tackle a zombie apocalypse. The shocking news comes as hoards of the undead continue to walk the streets of the capital. “No, I’m not at all…

THE NEW QUANGO set up to abolish quangos cannot itself be abolished. That’s according to the quango’s legal experts who say that the legislation that established the quango is designed to abolish only quangos that existed prior to the legislation to abolish quangos….

LUCINDA CREIGHTON TODAY dismissed claims that disgraced Fine Gael Monaghan county councillor, Hugh McElvaney, is to stand as an election candidate for Renua in Cavan / Monaghan.  The speculation follows the deselection of  Mary Smyth over an outburst on Facebook, in which she…

IF RETURNED TO power, the Fine Gael party has promised to decriminalise white collar crime. Minister for Justice, Frances Fitzgerald, has seen the radical proposal added to Fine Gael’s election manifesto for 2016. The policy is understood to have been formulated following recent meetings on policing…

RTÉ CHIEFS WERE left red faced following a county councillor’s elaborate double-cross sting. The Fine Gael councillor, Hugh McElvaney,  had been one of a number of targets in a corruption-busting sting. But in a twist, the councillor revealed that he…