Politics
Poll: Who Will You Vote For?
AS THE ELECTION draws nearer, we’re asking you to tell us which one of these will you vote for? Note: Margin of error +/- 0% ©Louth Noises News, 2016.
TDs Lettuce Allowance Extended Due to Global Warming
TDS HAVE VOTED to extend the Crisp Lettuce Allowance (CLA) by an extra three months. During the vote, several government and opposition TDs cited the unseasonably warm and wet weather as justification. “Come October one would expect the chill of winter to…
Louth Fianna Fáil Cumman Selects Turnip as Compromise Candidate
FIANNA FÁIL HAS selected a turnip to stand in the Louth constituency as a compromise over gender quotas. Local party members claim they had no other option as no female candidate was available for selection and they couldn’t select a male to run. “It’s…
Coveney in Push for Padi Fields
MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE, Food and the Marine Simon Coveney has called on Irish farmers to plant rice instead of other crops to take advantage of the latest floods sweeping Ireland. “This is a great opportunity for the nation’s farmers. We now…
Rabbitte Warns Sinn Féin to Back off on Misery Politics
FORMER LABOUR LEADER Pat Rabbitte has warned Sinn Féin to back off from misery politics. In a statement today to Louth Noises News, the labour TD said that the people’s misery was already taken. “It’s typical of Sinn Féin to try to…
No Zombie Policy in Place, admits Irish Government
THE IRISH GOVERNMENT admitted today that it does not have a policy in place to tackle a zombie apocalypse. The shocking news comes as hoards of the undead continue to walk the streets of the capital. “No, I’m not at all…
Quango to Abolish Quangos Can’t be Abolished Says Quango
THE NEW QUANGO set up to abolish quangos cannot itself be abolished. That’s according to the quango’s legal experts who say that the legislation that established the quango is designed to abolish only quangos that existed prior to the legislation to abolish quangos….
Renua Deny McElvaney for General Election Slot
LUCINDA CREIGHTON TODAY dismissed claims that disgraced Fine Gael Monaghan county councillor, Hugh McElvaney, is to stand as an election candidate for Renua in Cavan / Monaghan. The speculation follows the deselection of Mary Smyth over an outburst on Facebook, in which she…
White Collar Crime to be Decriminalised
IF RETURNED TO power, the Fine Gael party has promised to decriminalise white collar crime. Minister for Justice, Frances Fitzgerald, has seen the radical proposal added to Fine Gael’s election manifesto for 2016. The policy is understood to have been formulated following recent meetings on policing…
Quiz: Can You Fill Out A County Councillor Form?
Wondering if you have the smarts to be a registered interests compliant county councillor? Wondering if you can figure out the riddle that is form filling for local councillors? Wondering what the hell Enda Kenny struggles with? Go ahead and…
RTÉ Caught in County Councillor Sting
RTÉ CHIEFS WERE left red faced following a county councillor’s elaborate double-cross sting. The Fine Gael councillor, Hugh McElvaney, had been one of a number of targets in a corruption-busting sting. But in a twist, the councillor revealed that he…
Government Parties to use Drones to Deliver Election Leaflets
GOVERNMENT PARTIES ARE planning to use drone technology to deliver election leaflets during the forthcoming campaign. In a bold move to head off angry voters, Fine Gael and Labour candidates will use drones to drop their election promises from heights of up…
Louth Council to Introduce Car Lanes
LOUTH COUNTY COUNCIL are to introduce car lanes throughout the county’s major urban centres early next year. In a statement released today, planning chiefs said that they expect the work to begin in February, starting in Dundalk, then followed by Drogheda in…
Pillar Banks to be Compensated for Public Odium
BANK CHIEFS AT Ireland’s pillar banks are set for windfall payments to offset injuries caused by public odium. It’s understood that morale at senior levels at Ireland’s two main banks is only at 86% of where it was during the boom….
Jesus is Voting Fine Gael, says Kenny
TAOISEACH ENDA KENNY today announced that he spoke with Jesus Christ and that he’s voting Fine Gael. “He told me, you know, as I was waking up and getting ready for the day that he’s voting Fine Gael from now on….
Ireland Wins Big in Migrant Shareout
IRELAND HAS WON the lion’s share of inbound migrants following a meeting of EU leaders in Luxembourg. Irish officials stood fast against EU insistence for equal burden sharing by demanding that Ireland be treated as a special case. Taoiseach Enda Kenny argued that Ireland…
Tanaiste Launches Third Banking Force
TANAISTE JOAN BURTON today officially launched Ireland’s third banking force, The Food Bank. Cutting the red ribbon at the bank’s headquarters in Glasnevin, Dublin, Labour leader Joan Burton claimed that the new bank would offer Irish consumers a credible alternative to…